For the last few years I have been experiencing what I would call a wanderlust of the soul. I thought at first that it was a "seven year itch" kind of thing -- an "untamable creature living a domesticated life" scenario. And while I can't deny that these are elements of my psyche, I have come to realize that they are not the true issue at hand.
The longing I feel is not for something that I wish existed. It is for something that was, or maybe could have been. For who I used to be, who I wish I were, who I could have been. For some part of me that for a brief time flowered but only lasted a season. For blooms that could not sprout today, for though the roots still live, the plant they sustain has changed. What I was, before life beat me down. What I could have been, had I the strength and support and love to be true to that Self. Strength and courage I eventually found but too late to do anything with.
I mourn the parts of me that will be forever broken. Thge little girl who will never know her parents' love. The young woman unable to value herself and demand that others do the same. The woman I am today, doomed to play with fire because it is the only way to remember she is still alive. Who misses the torment that threateneed to rend her soul.
The angst I carry now merely incites a melancholic discontent. Nothing of use will come of it.
I send my words, my cry, to the Universe, but who hears? One or two souls may hear, may even be inspired to reply -- but for the most part I shout to the wind. And so again, still, I am alone. It has always been so; thinking I was not was only an illusion.
So if this is my natural state, why can I not embrace it? Maybe what I perceive as longing against solitude is really a longing to be fully myself -- who I was, who I could have been, who I shall be.
Wow What an honest self appraisal. Nietzsche writes about something called Amor Fati, the love of fate. We are truly empowered when we experience, he would not say understand, our incompleteness or our mortality. Thats why he loved tragedy. He distinguished his own view of tragedy from Aristotle's, who thought that the tragic could be just be understood by constructing stories. Nietzsche on the other hand argued that tragedy had to be experienced because it was part of the elemental funcitoning of the universe. But for him, going through it was essential. You say that nothing will come of your angst, and I could not disagree more. You are a strong person and you will work your way through it toward a new beginning. Just keep chosing life girl and be tough.
ReplyDeleteWhat I meant was, this piddly little wussy angst I feel these days will be unproductive -- compared to "real" angst. Then again, I could be selling myself short on this one. Maybe subtle angst is like Chinese water torture -- eventually it's worse.
ReplyDeleteI absolutely agree with all you said about needing to experience tragedy and its role in our understanding. I think I probably could not live without it.